After filling each Thermos with homemade pasta and veggies that I remembered to cook last night so that it would be ready for Hot Lunch Wednesday, I had this horrifying thought that they will want to be fed, AGAIN, Today! And then I had the same mental battle of thinking of something that I can feed them while running in between spring sports events and still get to church for the healing service tonight. So I started looking for something to throw in the crockpot. I had these stew onions staring at me from the pantry and so I started to peel.
As I sat there crying, I was quickly reminded of why they sell onions all peeled and ready in the freezer section. I had bought them because my grandmother used to make these stewed onions that were so good and these were ‘buy a bag, get a bag free’. So here I was, stuck peeling them and wondering how long it could possibly take! I could have just peeled one giant onion and chopped it up. But then I reminded myself that peeling veggies is a great opportunity for some mindfulness meditation. So I tried to focus on the task at hand and send some love to my family through this home cooked meal.
If you are like me and have trouble shutting off your thoughts, then this process can be more of a reflection than a meditation, but you still need to be present and not rushed when using knives and hot pans. As I peeled back the top layer of the onion, I was thinking of the way in which we peel back the layers as we heal. I was remembering all the healing that I have done since becoming a mom and wanting to break some of these intergenerational family patterns for my kids. And I was thinking about the healing service tonight. I was thinking about how that huge piece of healing that I received last Fall peeled back a layer so that I could then see what was underneath and all the healing that I’ve done since then.
I was remembering how some people came to the service, but then did not ask to be healed. Some people even went up to receive healing, but then shook it off because they did not feel worthy to receive it. I remember how hard it was for me to ask for the healing and to let it work through me. There were so many people who were more sick, in more pain, or more deserving. It was kind of scary to go up in front of everyone and let them see my vulnerability. I even had to force myself to stay still and let it happen even though it took longer than I thought and I was self-conscious.
Since last Fall I have been able to see so many changes in myself, so many pieces of myself that I didn’t even know were there. And I realize that this is why we are so scared to ask for healing. We are scared of what we will find if we peel back that layer. Who would we be without our symptoms? If we change our habits and behaviors, even though it is to become healthier and happier, we wonder who we will become. If we change ourselves, how will all of our relationships shift as a result? What if we don’t like the person underneath? It can be hard to make those changes, and we can find ourselves resisting for so many reasons even though we may really want to feel better. This is why I am so thankful to have people in my life who love and support me. Friends and mentors and teachers who want the best for me, even if it means that I will no longer need them in the same way.
And that brings me back to parenting. We want what is best for our kids. We pack them healthy lunches that will help them to grow big and strong. We teach them how to navigate the world. And we teach them how to do the hard stuff and keep going, even though there is always another layer and another challenge. And we do all of this knowing that it will eventually mean that they don’t need us in the same way anymore. But I will always find new ways to be there for them, and I will always be their mother. See, now you are crying too and you’re not even peeling onions!
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